#9 On Love and Marriage
On Love and Marriage.
Recently I asked a provocative question to a class on Adulthood and Aging: “Who knows whether you are married or not?” A friend had asked me to interact with her ZOOM class for 30 minutes about dementia and caregiving. Of course, the response to that question was awkward silence…and confused looks in the little windows on my computer screen. I then told them that Beverly and I had been married more than 50 years and it was a happy marriage. Legally I was married. I still feel love for her. But thinking about the life we now have together, there is a question.
We have not lived in the same house or slept in the same bed for 3 years. Before the pandemic, we would occasionally go out to eat and socialize with family and friends I often had meals with her at her facility and went to activities there, mostly music to sing with others. I would often lie down next to her at night until she went to sleep. However, the ability to connect intellectually, spiritually, and physically has nearly vanished.
And, to make matters more confusing there were frequent times when she would grab the hand of a male resident and walk away from me; or she put her arm around him with full attention when we were, I thought, interacting. On several occasions she found a guy sitting down and she at next to him for an apparently intimate and extended face to face conversation. If I said, “We are headed for lunch,” that made no difference. If I became a little irritated on such occasions, that only made it worse; she got very angry and uncooperative. What I could hear of the conversation between her and him did not make sense (word salad), but they were very close physically. The experience seemed to have meaning to both of them, though not to me. Such events stirred some feelings of jealousy in me.
The staff soon learned to help when I came for an activity (such as music) or meal. If she was seated with another man and they were holding hands or she was holding onto him, the staff would arrange seating so I was between them. At dinner, on several occasions, she went around the table to stand behind a man and continually rub his head with her hand for many minutes. A short time seemed OK to me, but 15 minutes was irritating. And kissing another man on the forehead seemed benign enough. But those few lip-to-lip kisses bothered me.
What did this all mean? I was told that it was all caregiving on her part, in part a carryover from her nursing days. However, this caregiving was selectively toward men. The above kinds of events were quite common, so this is not a report of something only occasional. When I was troubled or upset by any of this, there was no chance for discussion. I learned that the only solution was to leave (often still upset), since she was no longer with me anyway. Then the next time I was with her, discussion about what happened was useless as she did not remember anything about it.
What is a marriage in terms of functionality? A married couple ordinarily lives together in the same house. Sleeping in the same bed or even bedroom is less fixed, though it would be normal to spend some time touching or even cuddling. The couple usually has a significant percentage of their social time together alone or with others. Jealousy is quickly aroused if the spouse simply walks off hand in hand with a different potential mate or spends long times paying special attention to such an “other.” And intimate conversations that are too long are suspect. And long bouts of rubbing another potential partner is strange and jealousy promoting. And kissing!
And what about the normal process of communicating with each other? Married couples talk to each other and discuss many different things, from their personal relationship to world events. Communication is especially important when there are difficulties between the couple as it can help resolve conflicts.
It should be noted that physical touching was still a part of our relationship; we still hugged each other and kissed.
Now, to approach the question from another angle. If you were looking for a marital partner, would you choose to enter a marriage of the kind I have described? Some physical contact is there, which is positive. Otherwise, there is not much to recommend this as a marital partner. I know this is not an exactly fair approach to the issue. We all have histories that determine who we are now.
Well, am I married? Yes, but there needs to be a new word for this kind of marriage. I love her and will always love her, however, for the last 5 years or more she has not been the same woman I married. I will always take care of her and care for her but I need to make some changes. I want to see my grandchildren grow up; fly-fish in the middle of winter; hike and camp in the mountains, play piano for others; and, as of late, I have realized that I want a friend/companion/partner-in crime. This has been hard to admit and not without some guilt.
My son, daughter, relatives, and close friends support this conclusion…and even worked to help me create my first online dating profile, looking for a companion for activities, such as hiking and social events. I cannot predict exactly how this will unfold. Could I rush into something because I am hungry for companionship? Would I get involved and feel guilty? My love for Beverly will not stop; yet I do not feel that another relationship is wrong. My hope is that this will be positive for all concerned.
There will be a range of opinions out there, so responses are welcome.